What Was I Thinking
by MissJJD
Summary: This takes places during and immediately after Gone Baby Gone, there are spoilers for the episode, and it is a Barson story. My summaries are usually much better, but this really does speak for itself...I hope you enjoy this little one shot.


This is another of those stories, which I am loathed to call fanfiction as most of it revolves around what was already there. Perhaps squeezing the subtext might be a more accurate summation. Anyway with that in mind, I hope you will indulge me and hopefully enjoy my little ...behind the scenes of foray.

As always apologies for whatever. Thoughts, comments and reviews always welcome.

Olivia Benson already felt like the worse mother on earth, she was beyond anger and her heart was all but breaking. It was only natural that a she would appreciate a reassuring, comforting touch of her own, it was an embrace she willingly surrendered into.

"Please don't tell me that it's going to be okay." She'd told him dismissively as she entered the squad room, but she did want someone to tell her it was going to be okay, she needed someone to hold her, to stroke her hair and calm her.

Her feelings of inadequacy and failure were compounded by the fact that it wasn't only reassurance that she felt at the strong hands that held her so tightly, or comfort from the gentle voice which soothed her shattered nerves. For just the briefest of moments, all she could feel were those warm powerful hands at her back, the long gentle fingers caressing her hair. All she could hear were his dulcet placating tones, his caring words of encouragement. The scent of his familiar expensive cologne filled her nostrils, drugging her frantic senses, engulfing her, taking her to another place. In that same split second, it all came back with mind numbing fear, Noah was missing, someone had taken her son.

"What can I do?" Rafael Barba had asked only moments before, anxious to help in some way.

He probably didn't know it, but he was already doing more than he realised; his mere presence, those simple tactile gestures, not to mention his almost desperate offer of coffee. It didn't reach her tear stained face, it didn't circumvent the paralysing sense of fear that addled her mind, but somewhere deep inside Olivia Benson smiled.

Fin, Rollins and Carisi along with half the Manhattan force were out searching for her son, her lifeline at this moment, and strange sense of clarity came in the shape of a white, impeccably laundered piece of cotton that they ADA handed her, it felt cool to her cheek and it of course smelled of him, somehow for whatever reason, it refocussed her mind.

"They tossed his jacket, and they put a different sweatshirt on him, one that fit." She said sitting at her desk, trying to maintain her composure.

"They planned this Raffa, it wasn't some random freak, someone specifically targeted my son."

Olivia couldn't meet the concerned green eyes, that she knew were looking at her, seeing his pain and concern for her, she knew she would see reflected in their expressive depths. It was hard enough keeping it together as it was.

"We got something Liv."

Her fearful train of thought was interrupted by Fin, bringing her news of a lead on the car seat box he'd found earlier, they'd traced the store where it was purchased and Carisi was on his way there. Every lead, every bit of information hopefully brought Noah a step closer to home. She had to keep telling herself that, she had to believe that.

Finally, she met those beautiful green eyes, again just the very briefest of moments, everything felt better.

"I screwed up Rafael." She said.

Back in her office following a phone call from Carisi and a frantic dash to Sheila Porter's home with Fin. The fruitless search of the empty home had done nothing but confirm Liv's worse fears, Ellie's mother was not coming back.

Olivia Benson was even more convinced than ever that she was the worse mother in the world, and not such a great cop either.

"No." He assured her quietly but firmly.

"This was coordinated, planned, well executed. There's no way you could have seen this coming Liv."

Despite his assertive, reassuring tones, Olivia was already well down the path of recrimination and self-doubt, and not just about her maternal abilities.

"You know what the problem is with this job?"

Barba didn't need to be a well versed lawyer to know this was a question he wasn't supposed to answer, her folded arms and fixed brown stare told him that much.

"What good do we really do?"

This time, she didn't given him a chance to speak, even if he'd wanted to.

"I mean we come in after the fact with a broom and a mop, we clean up the mess."

She noticed a slight incline of his dark head, Liv chewed at her lip, she rarely went down this reproachful road, she might often question her abilities as a mother, that job was relatively new to her, but only rarely did she doubt herself as a cop, she'd been doing it too long, of course she made mistakes, but on the whole she didn't do too badly. This time the overlap between the two was just too much.

"What would really matter, or would really be special, is if just one time we could prevent it from hitting the floor."

This time the ADA's courtroom instincts took over and he was quick to jump in.

"You prevent the next mess." He said simply, in that same quiet, assertive tone.

But he could tell it wasn't going to be that easy, Olivia had no intention of giving herself a break, whatever else she'd done before, however many others she had helped, whatever she had been through herself, this was the defining moment, this was how she would judge herself.

"I should have seen this coming." She said dejectedly, tugging her hands frustratedly through her long dark hair.

Barba watched helplessly, trying to maintain his focus, as she continued to beat herself up. Part of him wished he never let her out of his arms, but that moment had long since passed.

"As a cop, as a mother. I should have seen this coming."

"Well you…" He stopped himself short.

"What?" Olivia asked.

It wasn't very often that Rafael Barba could not look her in the eye, in fact despite everything that was going on now, she struggled to recall a time when he couldn't.

The "Nothing", the averted gaze and the uncomfortable shift told Olivia, it was far from _nothing,_ for her friend not to be able to tell her, it was most definitely something, but for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to. Be it good, bad or indifferent she need to hear what he had to say, his opinions as a lawyer she had _occasionally_ disputed, but as a friend who spoke with the same forthright honesty, he was seldom wrong, and she valued that honesty. Maybe it was her state of mind at this moment that held him back, however anxious, or fearful Liv was for Noah, she was not too fragile to hear what he had to say. A mirthless, resigned smile drifted across her lips.

"You can't punch me harder than I've already punched myself, believe me." She assured him, trying to convey her usual matter of fact tone.

Barba wanted to protect her feelings, but he knew, she knew him too well, hiding anything from her especially now, wasn't a good idea.

"Maybe you wanted this Sheila thing to work out too much." His own smile was nervous as he continued.

"Maybe all you wanted was a family."

"Yeah what was I thinking." Liv's tone was sad and mocking.

Maybe being so frank wasn't such a good idea either, Barba saw her big brown eyes glisten with tears, he could have kicked himself.

Fighting his own emotions, he spoke once more. "That's why I shouldn't have said anything."

This wasn't the time or the place for this conversation, nor was it helping find Noah, and Barba felt he should be doing more, there really must be something constructive, something practical that he could do.

"Okay." He said brusquely.

"Did Shelia mention anyone friends, family any…"

Liv knew her frustration was evident in her tone, and she felt guilty, he was only trying to help, but she'd been over and over this a thousand times in her mind, surely, he must know that…once again his presence seemed to cut through the fog giving her clarity, maybe it was simply the lawyer connection.

"Her lawyer, what was her name, Janet ….. Susan Janet."

The fog cleared a little more, her cops instinct clawing its way through, she pitched some thoughts at Barba, who listened intently.

"Are you thinking that the PI is the guy in the hoodie?" He asked somewhat in surprise.

"What else have we got?" The air of desperation was back in her voice, but her eyes shone bright with optimism, it was only small, it was very tenuous, but it was something.

At last the ADA could do something positive, something tangible, instead of mindlessly offer coffee and give her someone to sound off at.

"You stay here." He said grabbing his coat and surprisingly leaving her office.

When one of her team suddenly left, Olivia usually had some idea what was behind it, as she watched Rafael Barba rapidly departing the squad room she hadn't got a clue where he was going or what was on his mind. She knew two things though, she trusted him implicitly and without his presence in her office she suddenly felt very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

As she opened the door to her apartment Olivia Benson, felt both overjoyed and sad all at the same time, he was a welcome sight, especially looking so uncharacteristically casual.

"Hey, how are you doing." Barba asked in an upbeat but concerned tone.

Olivia took a step closer to him, almost wedging herself against the door jamb, for fear she might just fling herself at him, savouring that familiar reassuring scent that accompanied him.

"You know, I honestly don't know how to answer that."

He could still hear the anxiety in her voice, as she told him how she stayed up all night watching Noah. His green eyes were fixed understandingly on her beautiful face as she explained how she bit a lady at the fruit stand's head off for saying her son was cute. Barba fought the overwhelming urge to take her back in his arms, stroke her hair and tell her it really was all okay now.

Dark chocolate brown met limpid green, she gave him an easy smile, his eyes slipped to her sensual mouth, and he found himself swallowing hard.

"But you didn't come over here to listen to me talk about that." Liv said, changing the subject.

The eloquent ADA inclined his head, a small laugh slipping from his lips, his eyes now searching her face.

"I came here to talk to my friend about whatever she wants to talk about."

Their eyes clashed once more and pleased as she was to see him, Olivia was again engulfed by that sense of regret.

Her brown eyes held his for perhaps longer than they should, and for a moment they just stood looking at one another.

"Is she going to ask me in?"

Olivia brought herself back to the moment, of course she wanted him to come, she moved to one side inviting him inside. She just wished things were different, not of course that it would change anything, Rafael Barba was friend, anything else was just in her mind, the result of a very emotional few days. But she couldn't hide the open affection in her face has he entered her living room, joining Noah, who seemed none the worse for his experience and delighted to see Uncle Raffa, Fin, Carisi, Rollins and Jesse, who had the same idea to come and see how she and Noah were doing. No one else seemed to notice that with her son safely back, Liv's attention was firmly fixed on the ADA.

Olivia had told Sheila Porter that blood wasn't the only thing that made families, she'd treated Rafael's words scornfully when he'd suggested she just wanted a family. Yes indeed, what was she thinking? Olivia had a family, it was closer than any bonded by blood, because in many ways they had chosen each other. Just because they worked together it didn't necessarily mean they had to be friends, but they were, and every one of them would put their life on the line for the another, how many families could say that?

"Please Uncle Raffa can you read me a story."

Barba had collected his coat and was about to leave with the others, Fin and Carisi gave him an amused look.

Olivia wasn't of a mind to deny her son anything at the moment, but this wasn't her call to make. That emotional little part of her, sincerely hoped Uncle Raffa would stay and read Noah a bedtime story, maybe even share a glass of wine with her afterwards. She kept her face impassive, looking to Uncle Raffa.

"Only if it's ok with your Mommy." Barba said, ruffling Noah's wavy hair.

Two sets of eyes she found impossible to resist fell on Olivia, both sets tugged at her heart, constricting her throat and pricking her own with tears. Unable to speak she nodded, seeing her other guests to the door, as Noah took uncle Raffa happily by the hand and lead him into his room.

"I hadn't reached the bottom of page three before he was asleep, safely tucked up with Eddie."

Olivia smiled indulgently, once upon a time it would have been almost impossible to imagine the sharp tongued ADA reading bedtime stories to her young son. She remembered how awkward he had been around him when she first had Noah, holding him like a wet puppy, tripping over his scattered toys, now Uncle Raffa was a dab hand, her son adored him, and so did she.

Who the hell was Olivia Benson trying to kid? Putting her feelings down to an emotional few days. Through the paralysing fear and mind numbing fog of those same few days, the only other thing she could think about other than Noah, was Rafael Barba. The only person she was trying to kid was herself. Now it was fear of a very different kind that coursed through her veins, the fog that invaded her mind, perhaps just a little rose coloured.

"Do you have to go?" She asked, as he once again picked up his coat to leave.

"No, not at all, I just thought you might be tired too."

Olivia shook her head.

"Like I said, sleep is rather elusive at the moment."

She held up a bottle of wine and Barba nodded, putting his coat down once more. She handed him the bottle and a corkscrew, whilst she collected the glasses, he decanted a small measure of the dark red liquid into each one. Olivia sat next to him on the couch, her hand patted just above his knee, her thumb circling the dark material of his jeans.

"Thank you." She said at the exact same time Barba was offering an apology. "I'm Sorry"

"What for" They both said once again in unison, eyes clashing, wide with surprise and a little amusement.

Naturally it was the ADA who got in first.

"You have nothing to thank me for Liv, I didn't…"

"You were as much a part of getting Noah back safely as Fin, Rollins or Carisi." She cut in.

"You went to see Janet Susan, got her to talk to you."

Her fingers squeezed his leg reassuringly.

"And you got the shorter straw."

Curiosity flittered into his green eyes, and creased his brow.

"You sat with the distraught parent, I know how hard that is. A parent who is also a cop and a friend, that's a tough combination. When you left to go and see the lawyer."

Her thumb resumed its gentle circling.

"I felt so alone and vulnerable, without you the fear just seemed to swallow me up."

"I shouldn't have left you alone."

Liv gave him a gentle smile, she hadn't wanted to make him feel guilty.

"If you hadn't we wouldn't have got the lead. Your presence, it gave me focus."

His hand came to cover hers, that simple innocuous gesture that meant so much and stirred so many emotions in her.

"When you came into my office, I was at my wits end, you offered me coffee."

Barba looked a little sheepish, he'd really had no idea what to do or say, coffee seemed logical, it always did to him. He felt her turn her hand beneath his, her fingers wrapped around his.

"Somewhere deep inside, despite everything that was going on, you made me smile."

They sat their quietly for a moment, just holding hands, Liv reached into the pocket of her jeans with her free hand.

"You gave me this." She said softly, pulling his now not so well laundered handkerchief from her pocket.

He grinned at the crumpled white cotton, she'd still got it. A warm sensation coursed through him.

"When you left, it…it reminded me of you, it kept telling me you'd be back. somehow It kept me sane."

Her words felt a little silly and fanciful when said aloud, but she needed him to know how much even the smallest of gestures had meant during those fraught, seemingly endless hours.

She loved the shy smile which curved his mouth, his eyes twinkling as they had done when she had opened the door earlier. A tiny hue of colour grazed his cheeks, and she suddenly felt guilty.

"I'm sorry Raffa I didn't mean to embarrass you….I"

"You didn't." He assured her quickly, grasping her hand tighter. "And it was me who was apologising remember?"

Olivia looked down to where their hands were entwined, she remembered, she also had a sneaking suspicion she knew why.

"You have nothing to apologise for. Whatever is going on in that brain of yours ADA Barba, absolutely nothing, do you hear me?"

He found his hand instinctively moving to her dark mane of hair, stroking it gently.

The feelings Olivia had felt in her office that day, came flooding back, this time she had no reason to feel guilty, no reasons to berate herself. Except of course that just like then, he was just being kind and understanding.

"In my office that day, you didn't tell me everything was going to be okay."

He continued to stroke her hair almost absently, his long fingers caressing the silky strands.

"I had been warned, I didn't dare." He gave her a knowing look. "But I couldn't…I."

"I know." Olivia said, cutting him short, she couldn't bear to hear him say the words aloud, even now.

"You stroked my hair that day too" She ventured tentatively, her voice husky.

"And you held me in your arms."

She felt his hand still against her hair, apprehension raced up her spine, but something pushed her on.

"I felt so guilty."

His hand against her hair remained motionless, but the other still clasped hers.

"What on earth did you have to feel guilty about? There was nothing wrong with a little warmth, comfort and human kindness…"

This time Barba stopped himself short, there was something in Liv's brown eyes, something he couldn't quite fathom.

"Because Raffa, for a split second amidst all of that mayhem and fear, it wasn't comfort I felt in your touch, for just a split second I forgot about everything, except you stroking my hair, and how good it felt to be in your arms."

The shock in his face was palpable, the sharp intake of breath said it all. Before Olivia had wanted to curl up in the warmth of his embrace, now having made a complete fool of herself, and embarrassed her friend, she just wanted to run away. His hand slipping from hers was the final straw and tears stung her eyes. Barba shifted his position, moving away from her, her throat burned as she tried to hold back her tears.

The arms that slid around her, were warmer and stronger than ever. They pulled her firmly against his chest, fully into his embrace, the fingers that had stroked her hair were replaced with his lips as he spoke against it. Those fingers now caressing her cheek.

"Oh Liv, I felt so guilty too. I was so utterly useless, I didn't know what to do, all I could think of doing was holding you. You don't know how I fought with myself not to just scoop you up in my arms like this, I wanted to hold you, never let you go until it was all over. I felt so awful that you were going through hell, and there I was thinking such a thing."

Olivia snuggled further into the warmth and comfort of his welcome embrace. The familiar scent stirring so many emotions, his gentle touch evoking so many feelings, none of which were guilt. She turned her face up to his, just as he had done when she'd opened the door earlier his beautiful green eyes drifted to her mouth. His lips, which had been buried in the softness of her hair had whispered gently at her ear, drifted to mouth, and he brushed them tenderly but passionately against hers.


End file.
